12 Days

12 days until the wedding. I’m not nervous at all, well not about the lifelong devotion portion at least. Kel and I have been together for 8 years as of our wedding day. Over 8 years we’ve experienced the best and worst we have to offer, and this has undoubtedly made us a stronger couple.

What really makes me nervous is the fear that I won’t be able to live up to the high standards I’ve set for myself.

Can I be the husband that never holds a grudge too long and is always quick with a hug and apology for those times when I let my wife down?

Can I, one day, be the Dad I imagine myself to be? Loved and adored by my son (it’s in the cards baby!) for all that I am and am not?

Can I be the fair and equitable force in my family that is expected of myself?

Again, I’m not sweating the ceremony or the thought of spending my life with one person. If anything, that’s the moment I look forward to the most. The entire ceremony will be a blur, all but the two seconds when I look my bride in the eyes and say the two words we all sit so anxiously to hear.

Kel and I have been through quite a bit over the last 8 years, but I never thought the last few months would have been the most difficult for us.  Allow me to explain, it’s what I do.

In May I was having some pain in my shoulder and figured it’d be a good idea to get it looked at.  Since I had the day off for one appointment and had a bit of trouble breathing recently, I doubled up and saw my Primary doctor.  He did his rudimentary EKG (SOP for asthma patients) and suggested I go to a heart specialist, hmm.

Two days later I’m sitting in the office of one of the areas most renowned heart specialists.  He’s talking slowly and for the most part, simply.  From what I can gather he’s trying to tell me something is wrong, but all I hear are letters; SVT, WCW, WPW, SAP, etc.  I’ve got no clue what he just said.  The only part I’ve retained to this day is a blurb:

“It’s really quite fascinating because I’ve never seen readings like this before.  Look here, at about 3 in the morning your heart is beating around 170bpm and for no reason whatsoever, your heart stops and not just for a single beat cycle either. I mean your heart stops for a few seconds.  Then miraculously it starts up again in a completely normal rhythm around 50bpm.  You’re quite the interesting case.”

That’s when he went full on Barney with me and said I needed surgery, soon!  At first it didn’t register.  Then when it hit me that I needed a heart “procedure” I couldn’t help but think about how upset Kel was going to be.  We were 5 months from our wedding and all I wanted was to be strong for her throughout the process.

Over the next two weeks I got worse, fast.  My heart was working on it’s own schedule and I couldn’t keep up.  Walking up the stairs became a concern as I was afraid to do anything that may trigger an “episode.”  I could see that Kelly was taking it in stride when we sat together, but behind those eyes I saw her pain, her concern and her ultimate fear.

The surgery was moved up a week and happened to be on her birthday, awesome present right?  I didn’t sleep well that night and I could hear Kelly stirring around as well.  The next morning we drive to the hospital and didn’t speak much.  The first of us to speak was going to end up in tears, so we sat quietly as we motored up the highway.

The prep for heart surgery in a catheter lab is extensive.  I was the first to be operated on that day so all hands were on… me.  The nurses scrambled to get me ready and all those while Kelly sat alone in the waiting room.

She was allowed in shortly before I was carted off to the table.  I was smiling, cracking jokes and talking about how excited I was to be awake and see the inside of my own heart.  In reality it’s how I deal with situations where my mind is bugging out, and it works well might I add.

Kelly told me how she sat in the waiting room staring at the screen displaying which stage the patients were in (prep, pre-op, op, post-op, recovery). I was the first on the list to be shown as “op” but not the first to be listed as “post-op” or “recovery.”

The thought of being in her shoes makes my eyes heavy and my chest tight.  I can’t imagine the thoughts in her head when she sat for over 3 hours watching the screen after the doctors said the surgery should be “about an hour.”  It’s at these times we all fear the worst, and I wish I could have called to her and tell her I was fine and that we’d be done soon.

The hardest part about the entire experience was my inability to convince Kelly that I was going to be okay and that we’d get through this and be back on track to have our dream wedding.  When I brew up these stories again it helps me breathe easier.

How hard can a wedding ceremony be after all that we have been through?

Accidents, traveling, work, life, love, lost loved ones, and forgotten old friends… We have had quite the journey to say the least. From what I hear the easy part is over and the real fun begins when our two families become one. I think Kel and I are going to be just fine.

Health Care

Everyone seems to have their say in how health care should be renovated, and I’m not about to let this opportunity pass up. Before I get into it too much, I’d like to just mention a couple of the points I am hearing more frequently.

1. Creating a public option will force health insurance companies to find ways to cut costs in order to compete.
2. Creating a public option will force health insurance companies to fold since they won’t be able to compete.

Where do I stand?

• I believe health insurance is a right, not a privilege.
• I believe that no person should ever have to declare bankruptcy or see their medical bills sent to collections because they cannot afford health insurance.
• I believe that “pre-existing condition” is just a cop out for health insurance companies to reduce their costs.
• I believe insurance companies have a long history of “the bad guy” in this country and I can’t quite figure out why everyone seems to forget that AIG has taken hundreds of billions of dollars from taxpayers because they are a poorly run business! How is that any different than telling me that Medicare is “going broke” and that we need more money to keep it going?

What troubles me the most about the conservative approach to health care reform is their willingness to protect private insurance companies while keeping the government’s hand out of their affairs, yet when these companies fail it becomes the responsibility of the taxpayers and the government to bail them out.

I find it ironic that health insurance companies will reject your claim to care because when you started your recent policy you were already sick (so that’s a pre-existing condition and they refuse to cover that).  Yet, when AIG was ready to fail and people wanted to let them fail, it was “un-American” to let so many people lose their jobs and suffer because the company was poorly managed.

It’s like a never-ending circle of irony when the very companies some are looking to protect are the same companies that have taken advantage of us for decades and continue to take our money and reject our claims.  I sit here with medical bills that were sent to collection years ago and have damaged my credit for years because I was a full-time student, working two to three jobs throughout college and couldn’t afford to pay for the cast to be put on my broken ankle or wrist.    When I had to choose between a meal plan for a semester, or to pay a hospital bill – I didn’t feel that I really had a choice.

I remember lying in a muddy field with paramedics working their magic on me in an attempt to get my breathing back in order (asthma).  They carted me into the closest residence hall to get me out of the rain and then asked if I wanted to be taken to the hospital.  I told them I had no insurance and I wouldn’t be able to pay for the bill.  They advised me to allow them to take me to the hospital and monitor me since I had no medication (asthma medication would cost me $150/month w/out insurance).  So here I am, unable to take a full breath without the oxygen mask and unable to pay the medical bill.

My situation would be considered a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is “no big deal” and 10 is “tragic.” Millions of people in this country go every day without health insurance, doing everything they can to stay healthy so they can continue to work and provide for their families.  No person should have to choose between paying a medical bill and putting food on the table for their family.

Back to the wider discussion on health care reform.

1. The government can’t be responsible for health care because they’re inept, just look at how broke Medicare is.
2. The government is in a position to regulate the health care industry and help reduce/eliminate wasteful spending.

The government provides health care to all government employees, veterans and senior citizens.  I don’t see any Congresspersons complaining that their health insurance is terrible.  I don’t see any bail outs for Medicare like what we saw for private industry over the past year.

I am not as concerned about the government having their hand in health care because I think this is just the type of program we need to force accountability and action from our representatives. If we don’t like our current health insurance, there isn’t much we can do.  We choose from the plans our company offers or we pay out of pocket.  If we don’t like the public health care plans, we can go directly to our representatives and tell them why.  If we don’t see change, we simply elect another representative who will get the job done.

I’m also not as concerned about the government having their hand in health insurance because I’d rather have government run health insurance than no health insurance.

I’ve been watching these town hall recaps, you know the ones with some white guy jumping up and screaming, “My health insurance is just fine, mind your own business!”  If you interviewed that guy 5 years ago and asked him what he thought about the performance of insurance companies, I’m willing to bet that you’d hear him say something along the lines of, “They’re crooked,” and it may have been followed by a scoff.

We dumped billions of dollars into the laps of the terribly unethical executives at AIG and they went on vacation a week later.  Why haven’t we had a stimulus plan for Medicare if it’s broke? It boggles my mind.

1. Stephen Hawkings and Ted Kennedy would be left to die with a government run health care plan.
2. O_O

I’m not really sure where this came from, or how they continue to use this to justify their disapproval for the current drafts of health care reform.  They seem to believe that an elderly person who needs an expensive procedure to stay alive would be left to die because the government finds them to be useless to society. I had to find out for myself where they got this from.

I read the referenced pages in the draft of the health care reform bill (Page 432) and the concern is summarized as:

The government is going to collect data on the cost and effectiveness of life prolonging procedures and medications.  If the government finds that a procedure costs more than the estimated value that you provide to society, then you’re shit out of luck buddy.

I tend to believe that the intention of this section was to help identify wasteful spending.  If a pharmaceutical company claims to have a pill that can delay a cancer and help you live an extra year, you may think, “I want it!” If you found out that the pill only helps 5% of people who take it live an extra year, you may still think, “I want it!”  If you found out that of the 5% who live an extra year, that 95% of those people end up spending all their time in hospitals on life support, barely hanging on to life and racking up medical bills that will get passed onto their families, you may take a second look at it.

The problem is, you don’t have access to that information, because data on these types of procedures is not consistent. I’d like to see a nationwide study to determine the cost effectiveness of these procedures and even identify where the waste occurs.  A conservative may choose to translate my statement of “waste” as people who are expendable.  I choose to translate “waste” as unnecessary costs (such as charging $20,000 to stay overnight in a hospital; what does it COST to keep someone overnight?).

1. Our health care needs improvement.

Hey! We finally agree! On that note I’m done for the night.  I’m sure I’ll be back soon to talk this over.

Stand Up Honesty

I’m ashamed of myself today because I allowed a conversation to continue that I could have and should have stopped. Instead, I stood back and shook my head, keeping my thoughts of disgust internal.

It doesn’t do any good to keep those thoughts internal, it perpetuates the belief that you cosign the conversation and you’re now an accomplice. The first step towards redemption is acceptance through honesty.

I accept that I was more concerned with my perception at the time of the conversation than I was with the content of the conversation.

I willfully allowed my ego to dominate my decision making process in hopes to remain in good ties with the crowd.

By allowing the conversation to continue I became an accomplice in the propogation in the objectification of women.

By allowing the conversation to continue I allowed others to continue their belief that I am in acceptance of their belief in the objectification of women.

1st Class Fail?

Could any single company last as long as Microsoft and still fail as frequently as Microsoft? I think not.

It Doesn’t ADD Up

Over the past couple decades we’ve seen a boom in diagnosed cases of Attention Deficit Disorder, ADD, and Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder, ADHD. Either the food we’re eating is jacked with hormones (as Bill Maher may say) or the pharmaceutical companies love selling Ritalin.

Could there be another answer though? I think there is. I think we have technology to blame, and I’ll tell you why.

Today’s technology is twice as advanced as yesterday’s technology, and this exponential growth will continue for generations to come. Computers, phones, PDA’s, and even MP3 players have the ability to multitask several high priority processes without as much as a hiccup (unless of course you’re running a Windows based product…. … ). A person’s capacity to multitask has also grown exponentially these days; to the point where it becomes one of the most widely used keywords searched by on websites like Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com.

Today’s generation can’t get a job unless they can multitask the very processes that management can’t multitask themselves. But in an age dominated by technology and devices, has management come to expect “device-like” behavior from their employees; which are oddly perceived more as resources and tools than personnel?

I think we will all begin to suffer from some form of ADD/ADHD in the near future, at least those of us working in an industry that relies heavily on technology and instant gratification. Your UK clients are aware of technology that allows them to send an email to all of your accounts and simultaneously ring all of your telephone numbers. You can’t hide.

Now back to work.

New, Clear Hyper Nation

So I started learning the guitar last month and I’m officially 4 lessons in and absolutely addicted.  I pick up the guitar and play for about 20-25 hours every single week, neglecting meals and all other luxuries in life.

Part of my new found guitar obsession is this new appreciation for good music.  I am more aware of talented musicians who write bad songs and get terrible publicity for it.  At the same time, I’m realizing how truly talented guitarists are, and in general, how talented musicians are.

Here are the songs I’m working on as of today:

• “Gloria” Van Morrison
• “Everlong” Foo Fighters
• “Wonderwall” Oasis
• “About a Girl” Nirvana
• “Blackbird” The Beatles

In addition to playing these songs, I’ve been writing down thoughts.  I hope these thoughts will eventually lead to songs that I can write music to and play along with.  But either way, I’m really having a great time and would urge anyone to pick up any instrument, take some lessons and start smiling more.

New, Clear Hyper Nation
Greed and deceit
Bleed and retreat
Conspire and lie
Fight and die
This is our cycle

Our new, clear hyper nation
A loss of power
A rise in devastation
A call to arms
A nuclear heightened nation

Knife the back
…redact
Knife the heart
Just the start
We can take this back

Our new, clear hyper nation
Make it true
Fight for Youth
Make it new
Fight for Truth
We’ve got this one shot,
Cannot,
Must Not,
Let it go, it’s over
Your time has come
We’ve finally won
Cannot,
Must Not,
Let it go

This is our cycle
Our new, clear hyper nation
A loss of power
A rise in devastation
A call to arms
A nuclear heightened nation

2008 In Review

Saying 2008 was an eventful year would be an understatement. But don’t let that fool you into thinking 2009 is my off year. I anticipate much of the crazy, hectic, hair-losing that my friends went through in 2008(weddings anyone?). 2008 can be summarized in far more entertaining ways than what I am about to regurgitate, but nevertheless, I must go on before I forget everything.

January “Decision Month:” I had a big decision to make in January 2008; granted, I had been pondering this for much longer but it was this month that a decision had to be made. At the time I was working at CA, which was a convenient 15 minutes from my apartment at the time. The location was fantastic, the facilities were outstanding, the work itself was pretty good and the coworkers were good coworkers. So what decision did I have to make? Well, the manager who hired me in had left and the new manager had a new way of managing the department – which included my role. To make a long story short, the old manager had put a ton of faith in me and wanted me to take on high visibility projects while the new manager wanted me to stick to my defined role (and that itself is a story all of its own). I spent a month looking around the job market and couldn’t find anything that was grabbing my attention. I looked internally, but was stonewalled because I had to be with the company for 1 year before I was allowed to change positions internally. Right about the time I was going to just suck it up and stick it out (oh that’s filthy!!) the new manager promoted the new girl to SAP Project Manager. The former SAP Project Manager was the current new manager, someone who had 20+ years of experience. The new SAP Project Manager was a former car salesperson with experience topping out at 5 years and 0 years was in SAP! My coworkers had thought I was the person they were announcing as the new SAP Project Manager and to make another long story short, unhappiness ruled the SAP Training Team. So back to the big decision! I made a few phone calls and in a matter of weeks, was on the brink of working for myself as an Independent Consultant. This would afford me the opportunity to hand-pick my projects as well as my rate of pay. The death of the American Economy was looming and people were chatting about it here and there, but at the time, we all still thought a recession could be fought off. So did I take the opportunity to work on my own and risk job security or did I stick it out and make changes with the current job?

February “Big Chill:” The shortest month of the year was the longest 4 weeks of 2008 for me. I told CA that I was leaving and the new manager’s timeless response was simply, “Shit!” They didn’t do much to retain me, and those who I had worked with closely were sorry to see me go but happy that I was getting into something better. I had made a contractual commitment to work at Select Comfort in Minneapolis for a minimum of 8 weeks at a pay rate that would help kick start my poor ass finances. February 21, 2008 was the day I first flew out to Minneapolis (nice and chilly!) and started work as an Independent Contractor. The coworkers were pretty good and the location was awesome for a number of reasons. A week or so into the project I was nearing the end of February, and it wasn’t the bad economy looming – just really shitty luck.

March “Big Scare:” Frikin March. We were only 3 weeks into the new project and I find myself hearing chatter that the project is about to be cancelled. What. The. Fuck!? I clung to the phones and was searching for a new project when I hadn’t even been paid for the first project! What frikin crappy luck! I leave my cushy job at CA and 3 weeks later the inept client has to cancel the project; wish I would’ve known before!! Anyway, I spent a couple weeks looking for the next project and had to turn down some undesirables along the way. If it wasn’t the location, it was the pay rate, and if it wasn’t the pay rate, it was the length of the contract. All I wanted was something a bit more stable, maybe a new project, and something along the lines of what I was getting paid in Minneapolis (which I’ll likely not see for years to come). It only took a few weeks, but in the last week of March, I found it. The client was Colgate and the location was New Jersey. Guess who lives in NJ? You got it! I moved into a new apartment with 2 roommates as well. The apartment is OUTSTANDING!

April “Big Easy:” Colgate rules. I had a week off in between projects and was happy to get back to work. Colgate was a 3+ hour commute but I had a great hotel, a decent rate, a good coworker (singular) and the client was a former project of mine so acclimating was quick. Being in NJ during the month of April afforded me the opportunity to spend time with my New Jersey friends, and I took advantage of that at every opportunity. I even got grilled by someone’s father about Hindu and why I should convert immediately. And how can I forget the classic eye rolling of his daughter when he mentioned how women had all the power – HA! – what trip! April was also the month that I started my own company officially with the help of the aforementioned father and daughter. TSC – Think Solution Consulting – would offer me the opportunity to apply for more contracts and would help legitimize my name in the industry of Independent Consultants. My best friend and future Co-Best Man was wed to his lovely wife who shares the name of my fiancé. The wedding was a ton of fun if you subtract the part when I slid down the hill in my tux as I was running to my car for my wallet.

May “Lazy:” Colgate ended in May and I spent the rest of the month and part of the next month not working at all. The fiancé was freaking out and I was starting to get nervous towards the end, but that wasn’t until June so I won’t include that in May. May brought me 3 weeks of sleeping in, playing video games, chilling with my puppy Trot, and drinking 6 days a week; just because I could. I’d take calls from potential clients while playing beer pong or shooting heads off with a sniper rifle; May was good.

June “Long Haul:” June started slow and picked up pace quite fast. I started a new contract, my first as an employee of my own company and was flying to Baltimore, then training to Washington, D.C. to provide services to AES, an energy company. Again, I found myself earning a fair pay and working with good people. This project was slated to last a few months and by the time it ended I would be debt free and rolling in dough! The other big event was the biggest, longest (filthy!!) wedding I will EVER attend, and according to the bride, the ONLY wedding she’ll ever have! The entire day was jam packed with awesomeness, except when the fiancé was bit by a random pit bull on the side of the highway (long story!). Oh and my roommate, friend, and fraternity brother (all in one) announced he was having a baby!

July “Huh?:” I don’t remember much of July. I worked. I traveled. I tried buying a house I think, but that didn’t work out too well. Oh yah! After 5 solid weeks on the project, I hear chatter that a new change management team is coming on board and everyone’s job is at stake. AWESOME! Back to the frikin phones!

August “Back to Reality:” August was the month where all my hopes and dreams of being a filthy rich bastard with no debt came down with a crash; quite the precursor for our nation’s economy might I say! I had to abandon my hopes to continue working for myself in exchange for job security. Luckily, I found a full-time job making a fair salary. The only compromise is the 2+ hour commute each way to the big city coupled with another move! The fiancé and I decided that since one of our 2 roommates was moving out, that we should probably resign a lease for our apartment until after the wedding in 2009 so that we don’t have to find housing while we plan a wedding. This was the plan since the house on Party Drive fell through. So I’m working in the city and I’ve got a few friends working in the city as well, this can’t be that bad!

September “Families Meet:” September’s big event was the engagement party where my family first met the fiancé’s family. It also marked the first time that my various groups of friends would all be in the same place at the same time. The event was a decent success, although I would’ve been happier if the fiancé’s family spent more time with my family. It was almost as if her family went into their standard party mode and totally forgot how immense and important this was to me and my family. Still had a good time though.

October “Grinding:” October was nothing special. Did stuff. Turned 25. Worked. Move along.

November “Reigning Champion:” November was a bit more exciting than October. I returned to the Rubinson household and reigned supreme as beer pong champion with my fiancé. The losing team was not so thrilled with the loss; but they got over it. My friend bought a house in New Jersey and we celebrated the same weekend I defended my crown at another New Jersey home – so all in all, good month. I ate a ton of food on Thanksgiving too.

December “Finale:” December wasn’t too shabby. I spent half the month working from home and the other half was uneventful. New Year’s Eve was spent on a heated, rooftop garden bar in the city and I survived until way past 1 A.M. this year!

The end.

Easy there buddy – Racism is NOT dead!

Barack Hussein Obama is the President of the United States of America (Acceptance Speech: Goosebumps Galore).  But slow down there big fella!  Racism is not dead in America simply because we elected an African-American as President.

You don’t need me to tell you that you can win an election with less votes because your candidate has more electoral college votes (see 2000 Presidential Election Results).  This year, President-elect Obama received more votes than Senator McCain, and many more electoral college votes.  While I am not trying to cast a shadow on this tremendous achievement, and this monumental step forward in equality in America – I would find it naive for us to believe that racism is a thing of the past.  People still voted for McCain because he is White, just as people voted for Obama because he is black.  But when people vote for McCain because Obama is black; that’s when we have a problem.

Last night on CNN, their table of old white dudes said that many questions of racism have to be put behind us if Obama is elected President.  I could not disagree more.  While racism is not a way of life for the majority of Americans, racism is still quite prevalent in this country.  I don’t see the old white lady smiling and waving to a black man at night because Obama is President.  I don’t see the KKK and Al Sharpton sitting down at a table together and sharing a cup of coffee (guess who wants their coffee light and sweet?).

Far beyond the racist tendencies of the individuals and small racist organizations peppered throughout America, stands the ever powerful Institutionalized Racism.  This form of racism exists at the institutional level; education, corporations and other public/private organizations.  This type of racism is the strongest because the discriminatory acts against people of different color are not performed at the individual level, but are aimed at the roots of these people.

An example of Institutionalized Racism would be a requirement by an organization that all members of the board must be able to track their lineage back at least three (3) generations.  Or an organization that provides health benefits to all workers that are not in seasonal-work like agriculture.  Even the SAT’s have come under heavy scrutiny as a form of Institutionalized Racism as the test is written and designed by a generation of men who decide what children today should and should not have learned.

It is no secret that many African-Americans cannot track their lineage as many are descendants of slaves.  It is no secret that African-Americans and Hispanics make up the majority of seasonal workers, specifically agriculture.  It is no secret that public schools across this nature in the poorest neighborhoods suffer from low funding and are populated with more African-American and Hispanic students than White students.  These students from these poor school districts and poor homes are not meant to pass the SAT’s and receive grants to help them pay for school.

The social structure of this nation has already decided how far we may go and how much success we will have.  I am unable to count the privileges I’ve had in my life because I am a White Male, but I am certain that I have received leniency from some and favors from many.  The practices of Institutionalized Racism hardly come into question because to question the foundation of such long tenured institutions, to some, is to question the foundation of America.  The America that was founded through bloody wars and civil uprisings.  The America that was cultured by Western Europeans who initiated the Slave Trade and defended it as a right of “God’s Children.”

I could not be more excited for President Obama and the next four years (maybe eight?).  I believe he will lead America into a new era where having the most bombs doesn’t necessarily make you the most powerful nation.  This new era is a Global Era, because we cannot continue to act in our own self interest without regard for the other members of the Global Community.  A nation and its people cannot be successful in life by amassing wealth and property.

We can be successful in this Global Era under the guidance and leadership of Barack Obama.  The foundations of our racially biased institutions will no longer be able to compete and survive unless they change; drastically.  I don’t expect Obama to illegalize or investigate institutionalized racism, that task is nearly impossible.  I do expect Obama to encourage people to participate in the global community and to encourage people to help out in their own communities at home.  I expect people to change their way of life for the better because they will be faced with a growing trend, a trend that is calling us into action.   A trend that refuses to deny a Black Man a job simply because he is a Black Man.

The first step of many has been taken.  We cannot expect change to happen; we must be the catalyst for that change.  We cannot become complacent and put racism behind us because we have a Black President; we must work to better ourselves and in turn our neighbors and friends.  If I’ve learned one thing from this past election, it’s that when people really want something, when they really need it – they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get it.  I hope others are as hungry for change as I am, because we’ll need that hunger to continue this tidal wave of change.

The “What-ifs” and “I-hope-nots”

I close each program that is open before I shut down my PC.  When the screen finally goes black I unplug the wireless mouse and iPod headphones from the computer and tuck them away in my desk drawer.  I slide back my chair from my corner desk and flick my thigh so that the chair rotates like an automated clothing rack at the dry cleaners.  My coat is now facing me and I’m looking towards the Exit sign when the coat slides over both arms and is popped up onto my shoulders.  I turn back around and grab the shoulder strap of my new Dakine bag and adjust the soft pad on the strap so that it rests neatly on my collar bone; and toss the strap over my head and onto my shoulder.  A slight adjustment of the strap pad and I’m good to go.  I check for my wallet, phone and keys before I turn back around with my hands in my pocket.

I’ve always felt awkward leaving work at 4:30pm, all the while never feeling awkward that I’m the first to arrive at 8:00am – and not to mention the 140 minute commute each way.  As I reach the end of the aisle of desks I turn to my right and extend my hand towards the desk of my coworker buddy Marcos, “Have a good one.”

“You too buddy.”

I turn the corner to my left and raise my head in a quasi-nod to another coworker pal, “Enjoi your evening Lora.”

“You too Dave.”

The Exit sign is now sitting well above my head as I turn to the right and reach for the door.  I lower my head as usual and duck through the open door and round the corner towards the elevator.  7 floors up and you would never know with the speed of that elevator.  Within moments I am bounding out of the elevator and down a flight of stairs to 48th Street.  The street is lined with black vehicles with illegal black tint on all of their windows.  They also bear the Diplomatic license plates and their country’s name and flag in the back window.  The street is rarely occupied by a moving vehicle so I can move freely across the street without so much as a care.  The next corner I am approaching is speckled with pretzel, hot dog and some middle eastern food cart that serves a mighty tasty dish for $5.00 – best to get there at Noon sharp or expect to wait in a surprisingly long line.

My destination at the moment is 53rd Street and Lexington Avenue, the Downtown E.  My ultimate destination is home in Bellport, Long Island.  I check my watch under my coat sleeve and see the time is 4:33pm, I have 18 minutes if I want to catch the 4:51 from Penn Station to Ronkonkoma so I pick up the pace when the crosswalk signal fades to white.

I arrive at the subway and glide down the stairs without much effort, all the while I’m plucking my wallet from my back pocket and sliding out the monthly Metro/LIRR card that will grant me access to the most complex and mind boggling subway system this side of the Atlantic Ocean.  I don’t have to wait long for the Downtown E, and that is what I was hoping for.  A slightly packed Downtown E is an anomoly; one I’ll gladly accept more frequently until the 2nd Avenue Subway line is completed in a few years.

Then I realize that I haven’t stayed with a job for more than 2 years and I laugh at the thought that I could still be working here in 4 years.  I keep my head down on the ride to Penn Station and think about the book that haunts my Dakine bag.  Roland, Jake, Eddie and Susannah are frozen in time and awaiting my return so they can continue their journey to the Dark Tower.  I feel a pang of guilt for making them wait so long, but such is the life of a working man eh?

The Penn Station stop on the Downtown E looks eerily similar to those Bridal Shops in November that sell wedding gowns at a drastic discount.  The doors open and panicky commuters dart for doors in hopes to make a train that is scheduled to leave in less than a minute.  I check my watch under my coat just prior to the Penn Station stop and see that I have 4 whole minutes; I’ve got time and I’ll be sure to step to the side and avoid the stampede.

Finding a seat on the train is as expected, an adventure.  The weight on my shoulder bears down on me, and not because the bag is heavy, but because Roland and the gang anxiously wait for the crease of the book to be opened to the stale train air beneath the never-sleeping city of New York.  I tuck myself next to a small Indian guy who is glancing longingly out of the window towards the neighboring train; not much of a view if you ask me.  It doesn’t take long for my bag to find my lap and the book to find it’s resting spot for the next 90 minutes.

The pages blur by as I am transported to the world of Roland, Jake, Eddie and Susannah.  Their journey has captivated me entirely and refuses to release its grip on me until we finish the journey together.  Jake, the youngest of the crew, is reminiscing about the last few months of his life.  He had to grow up so quickly but is quite happy with his life up until now.  Jake is beginning to make friends with a young boy from a town he and his ka-tet are passing through.  The young boy helps remind Jake of what it means to be a boy again.

I am immediately transported away from this journey and into another, far less exciting, journey that I have been living for the past decade or so.  I am recalling a discussion I had earlier with a good friend during lunch at Johnny Rockets that day.  We spoke about the little kids in our lives, not our own, but little ones nonetheless.  I told my friend a brief story of my baby brother Matthew and how he would squeeze my finger with surprising strength.

Now I’m sitting on this train as it idles through the tunnels of New York and opens onto the borough of Queens.  Light pours in on both sides of the train as faces turn away like young children turning from the TV during a scary scene in a horror movie.

“I wonder what Matthew looks like now.  How big is an 8 year old, or is he 9?  Does he know I exist?  Does he know that he has 2 older brothers; one in particular that would love to sit and share an ice cream cone with him and talk about his school, his friends – perhaps share an older-brotherly bit of advice with him about family?”

I chuckle at the thought.  After all, who am I to give advice on families?  To my own family especially!

“What if I don’t exist to my brother?”  I hope that isn’t the case.  “But what if I do exist to my brother; as a villain or an outcast who denounced his family and his brother?”  I hope that isn’t the case, but I’m scared to death it is.

I haven’t thought this thoroughly about my brother in a long time.  It hurts to think that I have someone who shares my blood, my origins (even if only half of those origins) but who I cannot share a thought with.  I’ve tried so many times to rescue a relationship that has been doomed for over 10 years; but I tried and tried and failed and failed.

My biggest failure.  My biggest heartbreak.

I can’t return to the journey now.  Jake and his new friend are going to have to put their friendship on hold while I collect myself.  I’m sorry young friends, but my own journey has to take precedence over your search for the Dark Tower; for I have a darkness of my own to conquer.  I hope you’ll understand and I look forward to returning to you and narrating your epic story of friendship and hardships; and family.

The Anti-Capitalists

Is it just more or is the United States Government’s interaction and “saving” the failing companies the exact opposite of capitalism?  Isn’t capitalism supposed to be Laisez-Faire; hands off?  If the government feels the need to step in and save these failing companies because it is in the American People’s best interest, isn’t that all the proof we need that Capitalism doesn’t work?

Bear Stearns, AIG, Morgan Stanley, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Wachovia, Lehman Brothers.

If these companies practiced a flawed form of business and failed, should they not be allowed to fail?  The government says they stop these companies from failing by taking the taxpayers money and giving it to them (after those companies took our money by artificially inflating the cost of living) so that the country’s financial system doesn’t crash.  They save these companies to save us; or so they say right?

Let them fail.  That’s Capitalism.  The company did business poorly, made poor decisions and now they should be allowed to fail.

But it’s too late.  The United States Government has stepped in and taken taxpayer money, yet again, to save companies – to shelter us from financial failure.  Well fuck that!

If the United States Government wants to promote Capitalism and reep the benefits of Capitalism, then they should also allow the world to see the flaws in the system.  Instead, they plug it up with borrowed money.  They hide the fundamental flaws of Capitalism (greed) by giving money to those who lust for money.

It just seems so wrong!!