It’s Been Too Long, My Friend

It’s been far too long since I’ve come here to spill my thoughts.  I’ve spent much of my “thought-spilling” with friends, just venting about the current status of politics, life, religion and family.

Today feels different.  Today I succumbed to the urge to contact my family again in hopes that, at some point, we can start a new relationship.  I have no illusions about my past or my future with my family. I do not expect to pick up where we left off over 10 years ago. I can only hope that we can restart a dialogue that will allow me time to earn back a part of my life that I cherish so much.

I think the urge to start this journey again comes from my new family. I spend a lot of time with my wife and her family and I see how a family is allowed to disagree and even argue, but at the end of the day they’re still your family and you still love them for who they are.  Kelly’s family is a bit unique in that many of her cousins are friends with each other. I don’t just mean they’re friendly when they hang out at family gatherings, what I mean is that they actually go out to movies, parties and bars together and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

I have a cousin like that, although we haven’t spoken in an eternity. Her name is Liz and we spent a lot of time hanging out at our grandparent’s house. We loved building forts with blankets and pillows in the living room, and we loved to get into trouble together. I remember when Peter, my older brother, told Liz to “bite [me]” and you know what she did? She straight up bit him, hard!

It probably only took a few moments for us to stop caring that our cousin had just sunk her teeth into my brother’s arm before we resumed running around the gorgeous yard our grandparents had built.

Anyway, I find myself struggling with this idea of when I’m going to recontact my family and how I’m going to go about that. I have to be transparent and honest, I have to be composed and respectful, but most of all, I have to listen.  This isn’t a time for me to try and explain myself, this is a time for me to learn. I have to learn who my family is and what they’ve been through over the past 10 years.

These mind dumps help me compose my thoughts when it comes time to actually play this out. I have to find the courage to make that leap and contact them first, though. Until then, this is all conjecture and an exercise in futility unless I’m willing to accept failure again.  I don’t expect anyone to accept me with arms wide open. I don’t expect anyone to forgive and forget. I have no expectations; just hopes. Hopes that too much time hasn’t passed and that I haven’t done so much damage I can’t fix it.

For those who know me, I’m a stubborn man. When I find something that I want, I put all of my energy and focus into that. I know that I cannot expect any level of success in this endeavor unless I’m willing to be persistent, and stubborn.