The Transformation

Ebbs and Flows.  Ups and Downs.  Wins and Losses. 

 Over the course of our lives we’ll encounter the good, the bad and the ugly – this should be no surprise at this point.  A true testament to our perseverance is how we come out of the downs, the bad, the losses.  But it’s only in retrospect that we realize after X number of losses, we undergo a slight transformation.  A person can take only so much suffering before drastic measures are set in place to derail the next pain train.  A desperate person is capable of nearly anything and it is also why a desperate person is the most dangerous type of person – they’ve got nothing to lose. 

Failing to derail the train will result in the same loss as experienced before, but succeeding to derail the train would be a huge win.  When a couple reaches a point in their relationship when arguments become cyclical and they just never seem to agree on anything, it’s not out of the ordinary for one member to expect something drastic to change.  The problem with this isn’t the need or desire for something drastic but the level to which that person demands change.

For me, I’ve convinced my brain that we need a geography change, an escape from her family.  I want her to begin depending more on herself and on me, than having that “cushion” knowing her family is always there for her to help her out.  Yet when one looks inward on this discussion it is a fair point to say that I don’t think it’s healthy to rely on your family; because I don’t.  I’ve always been self reliant, and when I needed help from others, I not only made sure I paid them back in full, but returned the favor later down the road – but above all, I did everything I could to remove myself from under their wing. 

Does this make me a better person than someone who is more willing to admit they need help and even more willing to accept it?

No.

Does this mean that my approach to assistance is the only acceptable approach?

Not at all.

Then why do I present it as such?  Why do I argue so vehemently for these types of actions when I know that my approach is one of many that will yield a positive result?  Much to my surprise, this is when I realized a transformation was underway.

I had first thought a transformation was underway when I began speaking of moving off Long Island.  Shortly after that, I realized the necessary transformation was maturity.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve been out of college for 30 months, or that I appear and act older than my actual age (24). 

My mentor professor sent me a document to help me overcome my own barriers.  I read it once and immediately got her point, it was clear as day. 

• High School Graduates realize they have much to learn
• Undergraduate School Graduates think they know a lot
• Graduate School Graduates realize there is much they don’t know
• Doctorate Graduates realize they know nothing

It is this logic and reasoning that helped me realize that while I think I know a lot, I have a lot of developing and learning ahead of me just so I can realize I know squat!  It’s so ironic that I position myself as someone who is so open minded and willing to learn, but I still argue my points to the death without failing to acknowledge the counterpoints.  When I get all hyped up and excited about something, I stick to my guns.  When the smoke settles, I can look back and see where I fell short and usually can admit that I was wrong.  It’s during the gun fight that I’ll defend my position like a Shao Lin Monk.

I’ve got lots to learn, I know this.  But above all, I can’t learn it all.  This is something I’m still trying to swallow.  I’ve prided myself on be knowledgeable, and have found myself only touching on wisdom here and there.  At what point will I take a step back and realize that I need to find a balance between learning and understanding?  At what point will I be able to accept my own shortcomings, and work on achieving goals rather than impressing those around me?

Do I care what people think about me? 

Of course I do.

Do I let people’s opinions of me drive me?

Absolutely. Isn’t that how we become successful?

Is it wrong?

That depends on how much you allow others to impact your decisions.

I’m comfortable now.  I don’t get upset or shy when I admit that I care about what people think.  It doesn’t make me vulnerable, only human. 

The Struggle

A lot has happened since I last posted. Most notably I had to withdraw myself from the Symbol position before it started. I’ve also broken my left arm and failed miserably to post my Picture of the Day. All of these failures have come so suddenly and so heavily on me in a time that had the potential to be great.

I go home each night after work and I don’t feel the same “release” from my hell that I normally feel. This isn’t to say that I feel like I am in hell at home, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Home is the one place I look forward to being and the one place I yearn for when I am away. But rather than feeling the satisfaction of being home, I still feel the “hell” looming overhead like a dark rain cloud on a beautiful sunny day on the beach. Everyone looks up as a mysterious shade interrupts their tanning session. Babies start crying as they anticipate the end of the world while lifeguard whistles alert the patrons of their need to vacate the water. People rush to their cars half dressed with their towels dragging and sandals flopping.

And just as they get the last of their possessions in the trunk (conveniently spritzed with sand now), the rain comes down. The first few drops are like icicles hurling towards you as you dodge the pellets of pain and seek cover in the car. A foolish few are still on the beach, hiding under the pathetic cover of lifeguard towers and refreshment stands. The rain pours down harder and harder as some start to drive away. Others sit idle in their cars and stare at the rain as if it were the most violent of offenders of their day off. The scattered few on the beach look out to see one utterly foolish being standing on the sand just shy of the water. Some feel the urge to heckle while others get a strange feeling of concern.

Hopefully, there is that one person who is looking out at me as I stand at the feet of the most vast expanse of life as the ocean swells up and throws splashes of salty water at me. I hope this one person is watching me without care or concern. I hope this one person realizes that we need not run and hide from that which is natural, from that which is beautiful and misunderstood and just so simply perfect. And as the rain begins to subside, the onlookers begin to peer their little heads out like scared prairie dogs. The sky starts to brighten up like nothing they’ve never seen before as the new rays of life shine down and warm my wet skin. And at that moment, I want the one person who watched me without care or concern to realize what just happened.

to be continued…