What a load!

October 7, 2008

$700,000,000,000.00 USD

Was it as good for you as it was for me?  Blowing that $700,000,000,000.00 load was supposed to help save our economy!  Bush came out in a near panic and said that we needed to pass this bill immediately because each day the economy lost Trillions of dollars ( $X,000,000,000,000.00).  The US Treasurer Paulson backed Bush and made it abundantly clear that if we didn’t pass this bill, the economy would tumble.

Then some people asked questions.

Why $700,000,000,000.00?
Answer:  We think it’s enough.

Will it work?
Answer:  We hope so.

So have you seen the latest measures of the American economy recently?  The DOW is below 10,000.00 for the first time in four (4) years when we were at the height of this war in Iraq.  And if you think the DOW is only one indicator, take into account the huge losses across the global markets.  Trillions up Trillions of dollars have been lost and people are looking for someone to blame!

The McCain Campaign is blaming Barack Obama, after telling us for months that Barack was a rookie and had no experience.  Apparently a rookie with no experience is capable of bringing down the world’s financial markets!

The McCain Campaign is blaming all of the Democrats in the Democratically “lead” Congress – keeping in mind that with a Republican President, the Democrats would only have the lead if they had more than 66 seats (Senate), which they do not; they have 51.

Amidst all of this blame, behind all of the mud slinging and crap flying – I haven’t heard one person speak up and offer a solution to this crisis; except Barack Obama.  Barack would rather focus on the real issues at hand and let the children of politics (McCain, Palin) soil themselves in their playpen.  Because while Palin is claiming Barack is “pallin’ around with terrorists” she was busy supporting a campaign that pushed to seceed from the United States.  A Campaign that is lead by a man who has openly admitted his hatred of the United States and everything the American People stand for.

So let it fly.  Wave your shiny pinwheels around and distract the mindless masses.  But don’t try and come to me with these flimsy ‘facts’ about what’s what.  If I want facts, I’ll do the research.  If I want a pile of shit thrown in my face, I’ll come find you.

Professor out.

I know, I know.  I’m such an insensitive jerk who isn’t thinking about all of those employees who are going to lose their jobs, or all those people with their life savings and retirement accounts who are broke.  But you know what?  I’m not the bad guy here.

The past 7 years have been a bumpy 7 years, and that’s being generous.  The American Economy was poised well above the other world’s major markets; and our dominance in that arena was lock solid.  Or so we thought.  Amidst all of this, America suffered the most horrific of events when terrorists took control of no less than four (4) airplanes and dealt a devastating blow to the American Armor.  

The attacks on that day left us momentarily paralyzed, unable to conceive the atrocities that had just unfolded.  Some turned to anger; “Kill them all!”  Others turned inward; “Why us?”  In the end, we were told to go about our lives. 

Fast forward 7 years.

We’re fighting a war with a country that had no hand in the attacks on our country.  The biggest American Financial firms are collapsing.  Foreclosures are leaving families homeless or scrambling for residence.  The average American worker’s salary is declining.  Crude oil has skyrocketed to numbers unforeseen and unpredicted by even the elite of the industry.  A 72-year old POW is on the precipice of a seat as POTUS with his former beauty queen and self proclaimed “Pitbull with Lipstick” Alaskan hockey-mom as runner-up; should his numerous bouts with cancer spur up during his term.

It’s hard for me to survey the current landscape of this country that I adore, and to avoid feelings of resentment and anger.  While many war-mongers are angry and resentful at those who attacked us, I’m casting a sideways glance at those responsible for leading us down this path of inevitable destruction.  Those same people who have been made wealthy beyond their wildest schemes and who are just now seeing their world fall around them.

I think it’s about time that this artificially inflated economy of ours, that has done no good for the Middle Class American and has done wonders for the wealthiest, is hit with a reality check.  I’m not happy that people are losing money, that would be far too vindictive for my style.  I am happy that at long last, those who make the decisions on our behalf, get to experience the pain we’ve all had to experience for the past half decade.  

Maybe now we can hope for real change.  Maybe now people will realize that the policies of the past 7+ years are failed policies.  Maybe now people will take a second look at the other candidate and see what so many of us see – a chance for redemption.  Redemption for ourselves, and redemption in this world. 

We’re starting to realize that America can not operate unilaterally.  American cannot do as they please simply because we have the most nukes.  The world is nothing more than an expansive community, and if we don’t start treating our neighbors and fellow man (and woman!) with respect; well, I see no end in site.

Do as I say, not as I do…

September 5, 2008

Here I am doing my due diligence and reading up on our candidates.  I do my best to read articles from around the political spectrum, so as not to be swayed by the propaganda.  The current hot topic is none other than the Revlon wearing pitbull herself, Sarah Palin.

Has she come under an unfair amount of scrutiny from the press?  No.  This is her first time in the national spotlight, and if we’re going to have anyone a single heartbeat from the Presidency of the most powerful (are we still?) nation in the world, then you can be sure they’re going to draw a lot of attention.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s focus on an article I recently read.  This very conservative source is deathly afraid of well-educated minorities running around the country involving themselves in organizing community affairs.  And to let you in on a secret, it scares me too!  People might actually find out that racism, sexism, ablism, and homophobic sentiments are running rampant throughout the GOP.  Yikes!

Focus.

Okay, so this organization known as Public Allies is getting government funding (how little or how much we’re not sure) to educate people aged 16-30 on social awareness.  Yes, this includes telling them that white dudes are privileged by birth, while black chicks are of the most discriminated against community within our heavily fenced borders.  The author of this article didn’t happen to leave their name anywhere I could find it, but they make it quite evident that they are morbidly afraid that this is going to breed a group of unruly and pissed off kids.  If he (oops… I think I just let the cat out of the bag, eh, whatever – lets run with it) had his way, this organization that develops community organizers and helps send them to college so they can live a life of public service.. should NOT be funded by the public.  And that uber-radical liberal guy running for President who had no “actual responsibility” as a community organizer in South Side Chicago is going to do his best to ensure that we all pay the bill for training and educating these blasted public servants and community organizers.

We can’t have that now, can we? 

However, the Ted Stevens Excellence in Public Service, Inc. (a 527 Group) which is responsible for the boot camp-style training of the now globally (in?)famous Mac Pooch; Sarah Palin is a justifiable and acceptable organization… right?  Wrong.

Who says it’s wrong?  Try her running mate, John McCain for one.  Earlier in McCain’s bid for the Republican nomination, McCain was asked about the funding that so many “527’s” provide to campaigns.  McCain responded by saying, “The 527s need to be eliminated.” 

Ziiiing!

The independent 527 is a tax free group that is supported through corporate donations.  The donating corporations flood money into these 527’s who are loosely regulated, if at all, so they can hand that money over to the candidate that best supports the donating corporations best interests.  In fact, Ted Stevens was recently indicted on 7 Felony counts of failing to disclose the financial benefits he received from VECO – an oil company that has a steady record of “donating” monies to the 527 that Ted Stevens runs!

So what does this all mean?  Do as I say, not as I do.

 

 8:48:03 AM     System   System 
Connected to Sprint Web Chat Server
 8:48:03 AM     System   System 
Session ID: 3300278
 8:48:08 AM     System   System 
Please hold and the next available agent will be with you shortly.
 8:48:13 AM     System   System 
Whitney has joined this session!
 8:48:13 AM     System   System 
Connected with Whitney
 8:48:14 AM     Agent   Whitney 
Thank you for contacting Sprint. My name is Whitney. How may I assist you today?
 8:48:47 AM     Customer   David 
Hello Whitney. I’ve been a Sprint customer now for about 7 years, and I was just made aware of a friend who is also a long time Sprint customer
 8:48:57 AM     Customer   David 
He has received something called “Sprint Premier” status
 8:49:25 AM     Customer   David 
After being made aware of the benefits of this status, I was interested in finding out what the requirements are for this
 8:49:49 AM     Agent   Whitney 
I will be more than happy to assist you with this today.
 8:49:54 AM     Agent   Whitney 
For account verification, may I please have the 6-10 digit pin number on the account or could you please answer your security question for me?
 8:50:21 AM     Customer   David 
Absolutely
 8:51:04 AM     Agent   Whitney 
Street you grew up on?
 8:51:37 AM     Customer   David 
My fiance’s name is on the bill so the street she grew up on is {omitted}
 8:52:09 AM     Agent   Whitney 
Thank you for that information. Please allow me one moment to access your account.
 8:54:04 AM     Agent   Whitney 
David, I apologize for the inconvenience, however, I am not quite sure I understand what you are referring to when you state Sprint Premier. Please clarify your statement?
 8:55:03 AM     Customer   David 
A friend and coworker had mentioned that he received notification from Sprint that outlined specific benefits he is now eligible for as a result of his longstanding committment to Sprint
 8:55:27 AM     Customer   David 
For instance, he is eligible for the $150 discount every 12 months instead of 22/24 months when purchasing a new handsest
 8:57:54 AM     Agent   Whitney 
One Moment please.
 8:58:59 AM     Agent   Whitney 
Thank you for the clarification. The offer that your friend was provided with is a upgrade discount for being in their contract for a specific amount of time. Each customer is eligible for a discount. After 12 months in your contract you are eligible to get a $75 upgrade discount off of any phone of your choice. Also after 22 months in your contract you are eligible for a $150 upgrade discount. As of this moment you are not eligible for a upgrade discount, you will be eligible for the $75 upgrade discount on 9/1/2009 and then you will be eligible for the $150 upgrade discount on 11/1/2009.
 8:59:26 AM     Customer   David 
Question
 8:59:44 AM     Customer   David 
I haven’t bought a new phone in nearly a year, why is my eligibility for the 12 month discount set as if I bought a new phone this weekend?
 9:00:54 AM     Agent   Whitney 
The upgrade discount is all based on the length that you are in your contract. As of this moment your contract was renewed on 1/18/2008 and it expires on 1/18/2010.
 9:01:17 AM     Customer   David 
So my 12 month eligibility for the $75 discount should be 1/18/2009 correct?
 9:01:20 AM     Customer   David 
not 09/01/2009?
 9:02:29 AM     Agent   Whitney 
You will be eligible for the $75 upgrade discount on 1/1/2009.
 9:03:21 AM     Customer   David 
You had previously mentioned 09/01/2009 as my eligibility date, but now it is 01/01/2009 ?
 9:04:29 AM     Agent   Whitney 
I apologize for the type error, however, you will be eligible for the $75 upgrade discount on 1/1/2009.
 9:05:11 AM     Customer   David 
Next question: If I open a new line on my account, which discounts am I eligible for?
 9:05:45 AM     Customer   David 
It is cheaper, with Sprint anyways, to open a new line than to upgrade a handset – with other carriers, they encourage the purchase of new handsets with more favorable discounts to existing customers
 9:06:08 AM     Customer   David 
Currently, discounts favor non-customers, while the current customer base is left paying full retail for upgraded phones.
 9:07:20 AM     Agent   Whitney 
If you are adding a line to your account you are only eligible for the instant savings that are listed on the site for the phone. When upgrading you will get the upgrade discount that you are eligible for deducted from the original cost of the phone. You are not able to get the instant savings on the phone, since the instant savings are only for new sprint customers that are joining service with us for the first time.
 9:07:44 AM     Customer   David 
So how can I qualify for Sprint Premier status?
 9:08:05 AM     Customer   David 
Because Sprint seems to favor the non-Sprint customers more than their own dedicated custoemrs
 9:09:49 AM     Agent   Whitney 
David, I apologize, however, I am not familiar with the sprint premier status that you are referring to.
 9:10:14 AM     Customer   David   9:10:21 AM     Customer   David 
This is a link for the Business Premier status
 9:10:30 AM     Customer   David 
There is a similar status for Personal Accounts as well
 9:11:34 AM     Agent   Whitney 
Please allow me one moment to access the site so that I may better assist you.
 9:12:25 AM     Customer   David   9:12:36 AM     Customer   David 
This is the direct site from Sprint outlininng the benefits for Business Premier
 9:13:25 AM     Agent   Whitney 
David, I apologize for the inconvenience, however, the only way that you are eligible to get the Business Sprint Premier Reward Offer is if you are under a business account.
 9:13:35 AM     Customer   David 
Understood
 9:13:52 AM     Customer   David 
I wasn’t asking about Business Premier Status, I was asking about the equivolent of this status that is made available to personal accounts
 9:15:40 AM     Agent   Whitney 
May I ask where you are retrieving the information that this is also offered for personal accounts?
 9:16:33 AM     Customer   David   9:16:42 AM     Customer   David 
Here is another link where users are discussing this status
 9:17:40 AM     Agent   Whitney 
One Moment please.
 9:20:35 AM     System   System 
Your agent has been disconnected from the system, you are now being transferred to your original queue. Please stand by…
 9:20:35 AM     System   System 
Whitney has left this session!
 9:20:55 AM     System   System 
Jaimalyn has joined this session!
 9:20:55 AM     System   System 
Connected with Jaimalyn
 9:20:55 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Thank you for contacting Sprint. My name is Jaimalyn. How may I assist you today?
 9:21:10 AM     Customer   David 
I was just speaking with an agent who disconnected from the system
 9:21:20 AM     Customer   David 
I was inquiring into the Sprint Premier Status (not for business accounts)
 9:21:20 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
“There was a brief system outage with the previous agent’s terminal and your chat was transferred over. Please accept my apologies for this interruption but allow me a few moments to review your chat with the previous agent and I will then be able to address your situation. Thank you for your patience.”
 9:22:55 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Thank you. One minute please.
 9:26:30 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Thank you for your patience. I will be with you momentarily.
 9:26:39 AM     Customer   David 
okay
 9:29:10 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
I am not seeing it for non-business customers please allow me another minute.
 9:29:33 AM     Customer   David 
On page 2 of the third link I sent there is a screenshot of the Sprint Website detailing the status
 9:31:20 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Thank you. One moment please.
 9:32:05 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
You are speaking of the White Glove account correct?
 9:32:28 AM     Customer   David 
Does this provide a $150 discount on new phone purchases every 12 months?
 9:34:35 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
This program is based on pay history and tenure along with having a plan 99.99 or higher.
 9:36:26 AM     Customer   David 
According to other Sprint users and a Sprint Customer Service representive (reached by dialing *2) the White Glove account is not the same as Premier Status
 9:36:59 AM     Customer   David 
Premier Status allows for a $150 discount on new handset purchases every 12 months as well as an “Anniversary” gift
 9:38:00 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
One minute I am consulting with a lead agent.
 9:40:45 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
I do apologize for the information David, I have researched all information and the White Glove is the same as Premier Status.
 9:41:08 AM     Customer   David 
My friend and coworker has achieved this status and his monthly bill is less than $60/month
 9:41:34 AM     Customer   David 
A number of others who have this status also have monthly bills lower than $100/month (before discounts)
 9:42:32 AM     Customer   David 
It is disconcerning that a customer, such as myself, of 7 years is unable to upgrade a handset without any helpful discounts. A $75 discount is halved when the $36 upgrade fee is applied
 9:42:33 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
I understand, however Sprint picks the accounts to place on this program.
 9:42:48 AM     Customer   David 
I am unsure of what qualifies as a White Glove account then
 9:42:59 AM     Customer   David 
You had mentioned it was payment history and the amount of the bill
 9:43:07 AM     Customer   David 
Now you are saying Sprint chooses them
 9:43:41 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Yes, they are based on tenure and pay history among other things.
 9:43:57 AM     Customer   David 
My tenure of 7 years with a pristine payment history does not apply?
 9:44:56 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Thank you. One moment please. .
 9:49:01 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Thank you for your patience. I will be with you momentarily.
 9:50:31 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
I do apologize however there is not a way to enroll we send customers the membership offer.
 9:51:01 AM     Customer   David 
Understood. I would appreciate it if my account could be reviewed for this status.
 9:51:16 AM     Customer   David 
In light of the recent cellular market, Sprint is falling quickly behind.
 9:51:22 AM     Customer   David 
It is in my best interest to remain loyal
 9:51:38 AM     Customer   David 
However, Sprint has become expensive and these are exactly the benefits needed to retain longstanding customers
 9:52:01 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
One minute please I will submit a request for it.
 9:52:02 AM     Customer   David 
I would appreciate a second look at the account in hopes that Sprint will recognize my committment and honor that loyalty
 9:55:16 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
I have noted the account that you are wanting to have the account reviewed for this program.
 9:55:21 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Have I resolved the issue that prompted you to chat with us today?
 9:56:01 AM     Customer   David 
Not entirely, but from what I’ve been told, you have provided all the information you have available
 9:57:21 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Yes, I have. I do apologize David, that is the information I have.
 9:59:01 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Do you have any more question today David?
 9:59:12 AM     Customer   David 
No
 9:59:13 AM     Customer   David 
Thank you
 9:59:41 AM     Agent   Jaimalyn 
Thank you for contacting Sprint. Our goal is to make your chat experience a great one. There will be a survey after this chat that you may fill out to advise us of how we are doing. Please disable all popup blockers before pressing the exit button to end the session. This will ensure that you will be afforded the opportunity to participate. Should you have any additional feedback or comments you would like to provide regarding your chat or chat agent, please send us an email at: sprint.customerappreciation@connextions.com. If you would like a copy of this transcript please press either the print button at the bottom of this session or the copy button to copy/paste into the word processing program of your choice.
 10:01:32 AM     System   System 
Jaimalyn has left this session!
 

Nega-what?

August 5, 2008

If you’ve kept yourself abreast of the 2008 Presidential Campaign here in the States, you may have recently come across the newest “Obama Slam.”

Tire Gauge.

Obama is suggesting something radical, something so simple that it has found it’s place in the RNC in the form of fodder. He wants us to check our tire pressure and maintain our cars regularly; and this can and will increase our gas mileage. Most of us already get our oil changed when the odometer reading matches the number on that sticker in the upper left corner of our windshield. Also, a lot of newer cars have an internal tire pressuring monitoring system (TPMS) that alerts the driver if their tires drop below a predefined number.

Doing these two things, along with less speeding and acceleration, we can all increase our gas mileage by upwards of 20%!! You heard me right, 20%! And these aren’t some loosey-goosey-leftist numbers either, these are numbers that have been known to the automobile and fuel industry for decades. It’s the reason why the Federal Government put so much pressure on states to reduce the speed limit in the 1970’s to 55mph as all research showed that gas mileage is optimal at or around that speed.

So if the numbers speak for themselves, and the solution is simple enough (not to mention immediate and cheap), then why is the RNC (Republican National Committee) having such a good time with this? Well, Johnny and his crew have taken Obama’s approach to our oil energy crisis as a joke. They think Obama isn’t taking this crisis serious enough!
McCain has recently come out to support new offshore drilling which would increase our barrels of oil in the future and I believe it would increase our oil supply by 1%.

Hmmm, 1% increase in oil supply for the billions it will cost to drill for the oil, plus the environmental impact and general dangers of offshore drilling…

OR

20% increase in gas mileage by checking your tire pressure often, reducing speeding and acceleration and maintaining your car.

The decision would seem obvious to anyone who cares, or to anyone to is looking for an immediate reprieve from the ballooning gas prices. I know that once gas started skyrocketing, that I cut back on the excessive speeding and immediately saw a 20-30 miles per tank increase on the very same tank of gas. Now I’m checking my pressure often and driving intelligently and I’m getting upwards of 40-50 miles more per tank per week and it hasn’t cost me a cent. In fact, it has saved me plenty, I’m saving $30-$40 a month in gas!

Now let’s take my example and see how that impacts me and my personal gas consumption in the long haul.

I still drive my 1,000 miles a month (like most Americans) and previously I got about 375 miles a tank before , I was buying gas at least 3 times a month. Each time I filled up cost me (on average) $60 (15 gallons @ $4.00/gallon). Now I’m going 425 on the same tank. My cost per mile went from 16 cents/mile to 14 cents/mile. The same 15 gallons at 25 miles per gallon now goes 28 miles per gallon. That’s 3 extra miles per gallon I’m saving.

With my previous 25mpg it took me 40 gallons of gasoline to drive 1,000 miles (in one month). My current 28mpg takes me 35.3 gallons of gasoline to drive 1,000 miles (also in one month). Over a year, I’m using 56 less gallons of gasoline to drive the same distance I’m already driving! You see, it didn’t cost me a cent to increase my gas mileage by 12% and the impact was immediate. With nearly 70 million registered vehicles in the United States, if only 1 in 7 (for the sake of math) decided to take the same cost-free approach I did, the United States would use 560,000 less gallons of gasoline a year.

Now hear this. Each barrel of oil contains about 19.5 gallons of 87 octane gasoline – the rest is distillate fuel oil and jet fuel along with small portions of other gases and oils. It takes nearly 29 million barrels of oil (28.9 million to be exact) to produce 560,000 gallons of gasoline – or 79,340 barrels of oil less per day… at no cost to you. Keep in mind, this is achieved if only 14% of the country adheres to these standards.

If 25% adhere to these standards, we use nearly 139,000 less barrels of oil per day.

If 50% adhere to these standards, we use over 275,000 less barrels of oil per day, and this would trump the 200,000 barrels of oil per day increase we would be getting through offshore drilling (and we wouldn’t realize this for 22 years according to the McCain campaign. By then, we could use 2.2 billion less barrels of oil. And if you tend to think of things in terms of dollars and cents, that’s $450 million saved in gasoline purchases over that time frame and at $121.41/barrel (current as of August 4) that’s over $270 billion saved in crude oil purchases ($12.2 billion/year, $33.7 million/day – that’s 5 less gallons pumped per second in the United States). We need to start consuming nega-barrels, not consuming mega-barrels (“nega” was taken from Armory Lovins, an energy “guru” according to the Times).

It’s all too common for us to think that if we’re running low on something, that we need to find a way to increase that object. When we’re running low on money, we get a new job that pays more. So it’s not an absurd thought to think that since it appears we’re running low on oil, that we should do what we can to increase the amount of oil we have available to us! The fact of the matter is that the easiest, most cost effective and immediate solution to our oil “crisis” is to simply use less. You don’t have to buy a hybrid to use less, and you don’t have to buy expensive accessories for your car to use less.

If you simply check your tire pressure each time you get gasoline, track your mileage and gas usage in a small notepad kept in your car (this way you can identify issues with your car before they become major problems), and ease off the gas pedal once in a while; you can consume much less and do much more.

Bathroom Design

July 29, 2008

I am writing this entry in response to a hilarious entry I had read earlier today.

The first thing we need to get out of the way is the very nature of a “Men’s Restroom.”  This room is no longer a place of “rest” as it has morphed from a convenience into a still frame from a horror movie.  The premise of a public bathroom is a simple enough idea, and you would think that design would be the least of our worries as we hustle into the public bathroom looking to unload.

The reality is that the design of today’s public bathroom, and specifically the male bathroom, is cause for great concern.  Jamelah had mentioned in her blog three (3) areas in design that need urgent attention and I would have to agree with her on those points.

Point 1:  Stall size needs to be moderated.  Small stalls can pose a danger.

Point 2:  Toilet height needs to be standardized.

Point 3:  Doors need to swing in one direction, in or out.  Jamelah prefers out and I could come up with strong arguments for both.

Inward swinging door:  This poses a problem for those doors with lame locks.  Most people wouldn’t think a broken nose or a concussion could ever occur while going to the bathroom – but if you come across an overly aggressive man trying to break his way into a stall, then you know it is entirely possible.

Outward swinging door:  This poses a problem for those doors with lame locks, again.  Instead of someone trying to knock you back into the wall with the door, they simply reveal your agony and embarrassment as they tear open the door.  Also, the stall-member who is rushing to escape the stall poses a danger to anyone passing by as a door can quickly fly open to say “hi” to your face!

Now that I’ve gone on my tangent, let’s get back on track and talk about the main issues with the design of a male bathroom.  Keep in mind that males are blessed and now cursed with the ability to pee while standing up.  This unique talent also allows males to aim their urine in whichever direction they choose.  Some may ask, “well wouldn’t you just aim it in the toilet?”

All I can do is hope.

Some males find it fanciful to go freehand when they piss.  How you ask?  Well, I’m glad you asked because there are many ways males go freehand and many reasons why it’s wrong.

Superman Freehand:  Both hands are stretched forward and palms are pressed against the wall above the pee-destination.  This often results in uncontrolled backsplash and innocent shoes ruined forever.

Proud Man Freehand:  Both hands are firmly placed on the hips as the male stands perfectly erect and watches in pleasure as his hose flails about miserably like a firehouse without a fireman.  This always results in piss going everywhere.

Part of the problem with the freehand method of pissing, is the urinal.  Which brings me to design flaw number one.

Urinals should catch pee, not deflect pee.  The urinal is a great appliance for males across the world.  They can quickly run up to any urinal, unzip, unload, zip and retreat.  The problem with urinals is this odd need to have “nice” urinals.  The only “nice” urinal is one that doesn’t deflect my piss back at me, not on my pants and certainly not on my shoes.  Some designers have tried to avoid this by lowering the urinal so you can get a more direct line into the center of the urinal drain.  Some have gone as crazy as putting the drain for the urinal on the ground.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Haven’t these designers figured out the fatal flaw in this?  A hose can only spray a neat, clean line for so long, before the line begins to separate and look more like a shower head.  If you drop the drain to the ground, you should also include shoe polish in the bathroom because my shoes look like I just took a walk on the beach!

What’s more disgusting than realizing you sprayed piss on your own shoe?  Realizing that piss on your shoe is also the piss from the guy next to you.  Which brings me to my next point.

Urinal separators need to separate. Have you guys ever seen that urinal separator that looks more like a cereal box stapled to a wall?  I’m talking about the separator that is so low and so narrow, that when I unzip and look down, my peripheral is unfairly tainted with the view of some random dude’s junk.  What about those guys who like to challenge themselves and stand 4 feet away from the urinal?  That little separator is not protecting us from these rebels at all.  The solution is to build out a long tall wall that is about six feet high, stretches down to the ground to protect me from random piss (see above) and protrudes out from the wall about 3 feet.  This way I can take a piss without being subjected to the freehanders, stray pissers and random grunts and noises.
My third and final point is a point that applies to all sexes, but for some reason, has gone completely unscathed for decades.

Toilet paper, not sand paper and not rice paper.  How often do you find yourself spinning toilet paper around your hand like your wrapping up a ball of yarn just so you can get enough protection to cleanly wipe?  How often do you find yourself at CVS or Rite Aid looking for lotions and creams to help heal the searing pain on your ass because the toilet paper is made from half recycled beer bottles?  Nothing compares to the terrible feeling you get when you’ve been forced to enter a public bathroom and of all things, sit on a public toilet.  But after going through so much pain and torment, when you go to spin that toilet paper roll and you realize you’re in for a journey?  I mean, come on man!  Why are you so fucking cheap with the toilet paper?  The consistency of toilet paper in the public bathroom is either thin enough to dissolve with a drop of moisture, or so damned strong that you can use it to sand down your coffee table before you stain it.

To recap:

Urinals don’t serve their purpose because more piss leaves a urinal than enters it.  Please just give me a bowl of water to piss into and I’ll be fine!  My shoes thank you.

Urinals require separation that serves a function.  A function that keeps me from having to watch a freehander shake violently and a function that keeps me from having to see that you clearly have a herpes outbreak today.

Charmin needs to be adopted by all public bathrooms.  Raw asses and stained hands will rejoice!

The Doomed Generation

July 18, 2008

Shortly after arriving at work I found myself double-clicking Firefox and navigating directly to various news/media sites.  It didn’t take long for me to stumble upon an article that got my rusty gears cranking again.

My eyes wizzled through the article as my mind held its breath, hoping for that one profound statement that would send my spiraling thoughts overboard into the tumultuous sea of anger and frustration.  But as the article wound its way down and the advertisements beneath began to rise, I knew I had to be the one to make that profound statement.

Why is it so wrong for the people of a nation to want the government to help?  Upwards of 35% of my paycheck is taken away from me and I’m hard-pressed to tell you where all that money goes.  However, if the inability of the government to sustain and regulate its own economy has wreaked havoc on millions and millions of American families, then why, I ask you, is it so wrong to ask – no – EXPECT the government clean up their own mess?

Predatory lending practices.    Unsanctioned military actions.  Trillions spent on false wars.  Oil speculation.

Who has benefited from all of this?  Banks are failing miserably and desperately trying to pass off their costs of foreclosures onto new borrowers, so they certainly aren’t aided by this.  Thousands of our troops and countless more families and friends have been devastated by the losses and injuries sustained by those sent to fight in a war veiled by “our need to protect our way of life.”  Meanwhile, our way of life has come under attack from within our own borders with skyrocketing energy prices and an economy that can’t sustain itself let alone grow.

Oil speculation.  Big energy companies and the oil futures market has become grossly wealthy since this began – and it truly began when the government decided it wasn’t necessary to regulate the oil futures market to ensure speculation didn’t falsely drive up the cost of oil.  As we typically do in America, we saw an opening, a loophole and we took advantage – even if it meant sabotaging the American Dream in the process.

And in the midst of all of this we have a government with no accountability and one that accepts no responsibility for the current state of life in America.  The government can claim it needs to spy on its own citizens to protect our way of life, but they hesitate to pay Medicare doctors fair wages.  The government can argue we need to attack the Iraqi’s and Iranians because they pose a threat to our safety, but with hundreds of thousands losing their jobs – who is going to protect their families?

The cost of a house in the past decade has risen to astronomical values, but when those unrealistic home prices drop 5% in a couple years, the housing market begins to self implode – who is going to protect the average citizen from losing their home?

This administration, our current government has stressed time in and time out, “If you are not with us, you are against us.”  The cowboy mentality of guns blazing and riding into town to save the day is nothing more than a farce; a cruel prank played on us all.

Government has assumed the right to impose laws that “protect ourselves from ourselves” and to protect the innocent.  Abortion has come under heavy fire in recent years, but not a peep about the death penalty.  Recently, the current administration has been trying to persuade law makers that contraceptive pills, birth control, are a form of abortion and should be regulated as such.  Two people who share a life, a home and a family are told by the government they cannot be married in the eyes of the government, and this is done “to protect the sanctity of marriage.”

I see so much that has changed in the past 8 years of this once great nation.  I feel beaten, battered and worn down.  I feel cheated, robbed and scarred.  I see so many of my fellow people struggling to just survive.  These people aren’t concerned with the “American Dream” they just want to feed their families and put a roof over their head.  They just want to wake up and have a job to go to, a meaning in life.

In a nation that has put so much focus on working towards success, towards a unified goal of freedom – we’ve fallen terribly short.  Owning a home is truly a dream in today’s economy.  Earning a fair wage out of college is becoming an endangered practice.  And it’s not just the salaries that are bias, it’s the cost of living.  In 1962, the mean annual household income was just over $50,000.  In 2007, the mean annual household income was just over $75,000 – that’s a 50% increase in salaries over a 45 year period.

In 1962 the average cost of a home was $20,000.  In 2007 the average cost of a home is just over $200,000 – that’s a 1,000% increase.  If the cost of a home were to remain on par or close to the mean annual household income, homes would cost on average, $30,000 (a 50% increase over 45 years).  If the mean annual household income were to remain on par or close to the average cost of a home, salaries would average over $500,000.

But I digress.  My point is going to become lost in these numbers, in my ramblings.  Our focus has been so heavily on one matter that we so easily forget to focus on the others.  I’ve illustrated this in my writing and we’ve experienced this in our lives.

We’ve put trillions into protecting our way of life while our way of life has suffered because of the lack of focus on ourselves.  Our focus is guided by those in power who tell us what our focus should be.  For 8 years our focus has been safety and security for the future.  I hope we can spend just one of the next few years focusing on ourselves for a little bit, to secure our personal futures in our personal lives.

This was a quick email that I had sent to my friends who were recently wed.  Their ceremony and reception was beautiful, although the father of the bride could have done without the reception part apparently.
*************************
The world of science and technology has taken a short break this week.
New products are on hold and the outlook is mighty bleak!
For if the world does not receive its regular dose of chatter,
Then what on this God forsaken planet would matter!
.
There must be someone, somewhere with a collage of thoughts in their skull.
I know there is someone, somewhere whose week has been rather dull.
At least we know that when those people find their way,
That overly bored and unmotivated person can finally enjoi their day.
.
I hope the sun has found you two in a warm embrace,
relaxing on the beach with the wind in your face.
I was happy to share such a wonderful day with the two of you.
For when you two return, I promise there will be work to eschew.
.
In light of these rather cheesy thoughts and crippled lines,
I truly hope you have heard through my whines.
.
Because,
Your vacation from reality
to help develop duality
in celebration of the legality
celebrated in formality
and complete and utter totality
has put you in the mentality
of a life far from normality
chalked full of vitality
and laden with sensuality
in all actuality
was…
.
…the greatest night of your lives.

Step 1: Secure a date

March 4, 2008

I took my first legitimate step today in the seemingly impossible task of planning a wedding ceremony and reception on Long Island.  I sat on the couch, with my feet stretched far away from me; I looked over at my fiancée and calmly asked; “Did you call the Country Club yet?”  She looked at me as if a new head was protruding from the side of my neck, and this gave me my answer.  I hopped off the couch and snatched the phone off its cradle as I labored towards the computer.  I dropped myself into the chair as Trot came around the corner of the love seat and slid his furry little face in between the desk and my leg.  I dropped the phone on a pile of mail next to the mouse and took a deep breathe in.  I entered the name of the country club into the URL field on my Firefox browser.

  Awesome.  The first result is exactly what I’m looking for, and even better!  I don’t have to open the page because the phone number is embedded in the short description.  I love you Google.

I called the Country Club immediately and set up an appointment for the next day at 11:30am.  The phone retreated from my ear as my thumb quickly found the “Talk” button and I abruptly ended the call.  Before I stood to address my lady, I had to make sure I wasn’t going to squash my puppy, so I peered around my legs and saw his face nestled between his two front paws, right up against the wheels of the chair.

 Great.  Acrobatics are not my specialty.

I retracted my legs around the hull of the dusk and cautiously rotated the chair and was extra careful to ensure the legs didn’t move.  I stood up from the chair and anticipated the noise that followed as the chair popped up from its air suspension.  It was time for Kelly to make a call.  “Can you call your mother and let her know we’re going to the Country Club tomorrow, she’ll want to be there.”  I tossed her the phone and she relayed the message.

The next morning I wanted to bring Kelly out to breakfast.  I travel Monday to Thursday, and Sunday is my day to spend with the lady.  At first she resisted because she wanted to get to her mother’s early enough so we could all ride together.  We live 20 minutes from the site, while her mother lives 10 minutes removed.  I was easily able to convince her by offering to take out the puppy for his morning walk as she got ready.  We hurried over to the diner and ate our breakfast quickly.  By the time we left, we had 15 minutes to get to the Country Club and we surely didn’t have the time to stop at her Mother’s.  Kelly phoned her mother and relayed this message to her as we agreed to meet at the venue.

First impressions are always important to me, but I’m not a fan of overwhelming first impressions as it tends to remove oneself from reality.  The entrance to our desired venue reflected this sentiment perfectly.  With a large and high ceilinged foyer opening into a beautiful Cocktail Room that overlooks the golf course.  Just shy of the Cocktail Room is an appreciative two tier stair case that winds towards the upstairs pub, a popular venue for Rehearsal dinners, showers and the like.  To the right of the staircase the entrance to the Ballroom was lined with hallways tastefully decorated with mahogany wainscoting and a cream or ivory paint.  In fact, the majority of this building was similarly designed with the mahogany wainscoting and lightly colored paint.  This gave me a feeling of true appreciation for the workmanship as my father has made a living with this very art.

 He’ll appreciate this even more than I can.  I can’t wait to bring him here, for every reason.

The overall design of the Ballroom is very simple, but interspersed with moments of elegance and even more woodwork.  Curtains hung softly over the large glass doors framed neatly in white painted wood.  The sun rested comfortably in the cool winter sky, but provided sufficient warmth by the doors that overlook the golf course.  Sconces hung from pillars around the room and a simple, yet elegant chandelier accented the center of the room, which was overtaken by the oak stained dance floor.

 When did dance become such a central component of celebrations?  This floor looks so gaudy here, so out of place – but then again, so do I. 

We winded our way around the room as the Maitre D’ offered options and descriptions of a typical reception.  I hardly heard a word he was saying, none of these things matter to me as much as the comfort of our guests.  I surveyed the open room and started picturing the tables of guests, laughing and talking loudly over the music that would be played from the back of the room.  I saw Kelly and I sitting centrally, leaning on each other and kissing each time we heard the clanging of glasses.  I could see my father smiling with approval from his table as he conversed with Kelly’s father.

 They’re both laborers, they’ll get along just great. 

Overall I didn’t have a difficult time picturing our celebration coming here.  The venue provided sufficient room and beauty to accent a day of celebration.  The guests would all be comfortable and many would enjoi the view of the 9th hole approach and green.  I was able to see us all standing there, my 9 groomsmen and I.  Clubs would be in hand and the green and surrounding fringe and rough would be speckled with 10 white golf balls.  Laughter would inevitably be the overwhelming action here as most of us are not golfers, but we’re all finding humor in the scattered golf balls and red faced groomsmen.

 I can live this life.  This is my life.

A Return to (un)Normalcy

February 19, 2008

Here we go again! I’m sitting in the airport, but I’m not on my way to an exciting destination or even to see family or friends. I’m back on the road again, but this time, it’s on my own terms.

Minneapolis is the destination city (MSP) and as I sit here in New York City (LGA) I begin to realize that this is for real. I’ve just left my cushy job at CA, Inc. where I was free to go home each day for lunch and play with my puppy. I had freedom to work from home as needed and was well on my way to be a Project Manager. But I gave it all up. You may be curious as to why I gave up a job so close to home, both literally and figuratively. After all, CA, Inc. was supposed to be the company that catapulted me to the top of my game – but after only 10 months, I’m already on another journey.

People like to think that things come full circle. Circles are, for all intents and purposes, representative of life. The wedding or engagement ring is to symbolize the circle of life and unending/undying bond of love between a couple. Elton John wrote a nice song for Lion King titled, “The Circle of Life” as it depicted a young Princes rise in society to take place of his fallen father. And just like these circles, I’ve circled back to RWD Technologies, Inc. They’ve taken me on as a contract employee this time, so I have an opportunity to pick and choose my projects as well as my pay. As a contract employee, RWD will pay me for each hour worked, and will pay the government my required taxes, but they do not offer you benefits of any kind and can simply choose to NOT hire you back for another project upon the completion of your contract.

I’m doing this on my own terms this time.